Paula

This is Paula, she's 13 and has endured more in those short 13 years than I have in my whole life.  I spent most of the wedding talking to her, she was patient enough to put up with me!  To be honest I think she was just drinking in the one on one attention...her mother is almost 60 and has had a string of live-in boyfriends, she is still living for herself, as if she has not children at all.  Paula, who is somehow still sweet despite her life experiences has been pretty much ignored, because she flies under the anger radar.  Talking to her I felt so convicted. 

I think everyone who has met someone from a third world situation has wondered "Why did You decide to give me the start that you did?  Why was I born into cleanliness, financial stability, a hope for a future, a loving two parent home, a place where I was taught about you and encouraged to grow?...when so many haven't been given that?"  I felt so unworthy and so thankful.  I think it is good to feel that way, to realize how blessed we are, how unjustly kind He is.  It made me hurt badly later in the day, when I reacted in prideful defense to the words of a friend.  With how much I have been given, how can He not look at me and be completely disgusted, or at least frustrated to the point of giving up on me, when my faith and obedience are still so small?  

Marcos cross-referenced the parable of the servants who where given the talents today in church.  I want to be one of those that takes what he has been given and invests it, being able to give even more back to the Lord.  I have been given so much.  My own self-focus this past week, viewing it through the lens of blessing that Paula's life reaffirmed for me, just about broke my heart.  I am not being melodramatic.  Church was hard today.  "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty."  That word hits me like a two-by-four.  Holy. 

It is probably good for me also, with my "haven't made any HUGE mistakes, grew up in a Christian home" life to get a good dose of perspective now and again on just how far I am from that standard of Holy.  Today I am trying to get back to the place where I can simply rejoice in His love and forgiveness, instead of being focused on myself and how worm-like I feel right now.